I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Randomize
