Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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