Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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