Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
