dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
