When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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