I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
