grandma shit on top of the toilet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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