oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
