someone owes me an orgasm
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
