so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
