I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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