the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
