I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
