I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
