Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
