I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
