I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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