Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
