The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
