He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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