Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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