meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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