The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
