dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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