I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
