Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
