i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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