I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
