it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize