guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
