a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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