my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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