somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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