he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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