last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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