Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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