youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
