normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
