Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
