omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your cock deserves a montage
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
