I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
