I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
