She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
