these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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