On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
