If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so that wasnt chicken after all
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
