the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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