Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
