i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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